Well, shoot

I was hoping to be witty.  I didn't really want to do a daily blow by blow, or a homeschool instruction blog (there are enough other people doing that better than I could).  Right now though I feel incapable of repartee.  I feel rather incapable of standing up.  I took a new med this morning and I am feeling crazy dizzy, and I am having those weird electric zaps you may be familiar with if you've ever come off an anti-depressant, I also feel super brain fogged.  The perfect combination for writing a blog, obviously.  These symptoms are setting off a panic attack and I feel like crying and perhaps going to the hospital.  My husband had to walk out the door in the middle of my full blown melt down or he was going to miss his flight out.  So now I am home alone with all 3 kids.  He did tell me before he left that my behavior wasn't fair to him or the girls.  I know that this is true.  All 4 of them deserve better.  I often question why God decided to give my precious wonderful babies to such a crazy person.  Hearing him say this out loud does not do me a whole lot of good though.  It actually makes me rather angry.  I guess being capable of holding 2 thoughts at the same time is a skill... on the one hand I totally agree with the idea that my mental illness is not fair to my family, on the other hand it is not really fair to me either.  I did NOT choose this.  If getting rid of it were possible just by wishing and praying and wanting to badly enough, it would be gone.  If I could just perform a ritual and cut off a toe and say and incantation and be okay, I would have been better months ago.  I do not know how to make it gone.  I do not know how to stop.  I hate frustrating everyone who loves me.  I hate going down to the same stupid dark places over and over.  I hate failing my girls.  I hate not being strong enough to just say to my brain, Enough!  We're done here.  Good day!  I hate that this is my current reality.  As much as I wonder why God chose such a screwed up parent for my girls and spouse for my husband, I wonder why He chose this path for me.  But now I am starting to feel better.  Maybe I can go back to trying to be witty.  The problem being that I am not as good as I had hoped at distilling my daily life into funny.  Back to the drawing board.